I like you, Betty.

I applied for the perfect job the other day. It’s for a copy editing job at a marketing firm. A big marketing firm that has major, major clients and is miraculously located just down the street from me.

There is nothing down the street from me, especially not something that pertains to my chosen field. It is this reason that I’ve toiled away at my current job for four years. It was ok for the first two, kind of iffy for the third, and complete and utter hell for the last one. I’m fairly certain that my soul is crumpled up on the floor in the corner under my desk somewhere, and probably under a shoe.

The ad asked for an emailed resume and expressly asked for no phone calls. Which irks me, because usually I’d follow up a few days later with a call to doubly express interest. I emailed on Thursday and haven’t heard a thing back yet.

I am absolutely perfect in every single way for this job. I want this job more than I’ve ever wanted any job. I am fairly certain my heart is going to explode with anticipation if these people don’t get back to me.

Needless to say, I’m going out of my mind.

Rational me is saying that they’re probably waiting a couple weeks, gathering all the resumes and they’ll contact me then, begging me to work for them.

Irrational me thinks if you ask for emailed resumes for the ease and instant gratification of it all, then BY GOD you should reply with the same courtesy. Let me know now if I’m a candidate or just some sucker you’ll never look at twice.

I know I’m being insane and that it hasn’t even been a week. I know that the internet has spoiled me and demolished any sort of patience I may have once had. But I also know I spent the whole weekend dreaming up myriad glorious things I could say in my exit interview.

I’m so torn. I’m both convinced I already have the job and convinced that my resume was so bad that they’re not replying because they’re laughing too hard. This whole not knowing bit in the middle is really wreaking havoc on my psyche.

Since there’s nothing I can do about it but go insane, I’ll just keep chewing on my fingernails. What’s a girl to do?

I hate reality TV. I really hate reality TV that glorifies and rewards complete idiots. It’s reasons like these that I don’t watch MTV and have therefore never seen any of “The Hills” or “Jersey Shore.”

That doesn’t mean I don’t know who the characters are. I read more about pop culture than I’d like to so I’m well aware of Speidi & Snooki.

I’d never heard the latter speak before, and I was really ok with that. But then this video popped up and I couldn’t help but watch. One point for the cute French boys.

I dig books. I love to read. Do I ever, anymore? No. But I still like it. Recently I looked around at the stack of books I own that I haven’t read and thought, “you know what? I should read more.”

What did I do next? I went out and bought five more books. What? You thought I was going to read the ones I already own?

It started with this:

And let me tell you, it’s probably going to take me the rest of my life to read this book. It’s about 40,000 pages long and weighs half as much as I do. When I started reading it, I was overcome with the joy of having a new book, so I thought I’d go to the bookstore and smell some others.

I had recently actually watched the film version of one of my favorite TV shows, “Friday Night Lights” and decided I wanted to read the book. Of course, at the bookstore, it’s twice as much as I had found it on Amazon for. This made me sad, because I wanted the book right away (instant gratification! Gimme gimme!) but I also didn’t want to pay $17 for a book I could get for $7. So I wandered around the store to see what else I could find, and all of a sudden, I’m having the desire to spend my entire paycheck.

So I left. Stupid store. I made a mental note of all the books I saw that I was interested in, got all four of them on Amazon for under $30, but more than $25 so I got free shipping. Huzzah. They should be here today.

The problem now, of course, is what the hell am I going to do with five new books, one of which has as many words as all the books I read last year combined?

I hope the cat’s saved room for me on the couch, because I have a feeling we’ll be spending a lot of time together soon.

Does everyone know about the band Phish? I went to college with a bunch of hippies, so I had to listen to that shit all the time. Also, they formed in my home state so they’re like the hometown heroes that everyone adores simply for proximity’s sake.

People like to compare them to the Grateful Dead, since they’re both jam bands with a huge following of unwashed masses. I really never understood that comparison. The Grateful Dead’s sound is rooted in folk and their lyrics are pretty and sometimes meaningful. Whereas Phish’s jams sound like the drunken clatter of retarded space monkeys and have lyrics written by a four year old.

The reason I bring this up is because they have a song that consists of three sentences:

When you’re there, I sleep lengthwise
And when you’re gone
I sleep diagonal in my bed

Repeated over and over and over again. I’m not even kidding. That’s it. I thought it was funny the first time I heard it, because it does speak the truth. I got  over thinking it was funny by the 3rd time I heard it, because it’s terrible.

When there’s someone in my bed with me, as there has been lately, I sleep on the side closest to the alarm clock and he sleeps near the wall. When I’m alone, I curl up diagonally, but closer to the wall, and on his set of pillows.

Last night, drunk as hell, I went to bed first and apparently decided to reclaim my side of the bed. When I woke up a 4am and discovered I was on the wrong side of the bed, this godawful virus of a fucking song got stuck in my head and it’s been driving me out of my ever loving mind all day.

I tell this to my other friend and what does he send me to try to get that one out of my head? This. (Be wearing headphones if you’re at work.) Bastards, all of them

God, I love the internet.  The things you happen across…

My brother recently called me up and said that he met a girl at his university whose mother played Fred Savage’s mother in “The Princess Bride.”

Which is cool enough.

But then he got to know her a little better and realized that her father is none other than Steven Soderburgh.

Now, I was never that clever at the six degrees of separation game, but I think this makes me two degrees away from George Clooney, am I right? Three at the most.

Seeing as how all my connections in the game up until this point in my life stemmed from an eccentric character actor who owns a house in my hometown and who I almost ran over with my bike when I was 11, I think the game just got easier to play.

Ostensibly, I could use my friend who works “in the biz” in LA and connect myself to just about everyone in a two steps, including the entire clientele of CAA, but since we’re acquaintances at best it feels like cheating. But hey, after a few drinks, what’s cheating?

For shame!

OHMYGOD it’s also National Penguin Awareness Day! Penguins and cheese are my two most favorite things ever. This is the greatest day in history and I missed it! I’ll just have to have another bottle glass of wine to celebrate.