My Guide to Giving Christmas Gifts to Dad
1. Complain that he’s impossible to buy for.
2. Have mom tell you she just bought this thing he said he wanted for X amount of dollars, would you like to give her the money and put your name on it?
3. Decline, saying you’re better than that and will find him something AWESOME.
4. Fail to find something awesome.
5. Wait just long enough for your mother to forget how much she paid for the item.
6. Call her up and accept her offer, including the part where she claims she spent significantly less on it as she actually did.
7. Feel a little guilty.
8. Don’t feel too guilty about it, because hey, it’s not your fault her memory is shot, and it is, after all, something he wanted.
A sigh of relief.
I cancelled my Match.com account and deactivated my profile this morning. I have never felt so free.
There’s a little “we’re sad to see you go” screen, where they ask you one question. “What can we do to make it easier to find love?” My answer was brief. “You can stop existing.”
The strangest things cheer me up
Hulu.com has all four seasons of Doogie Howser, M.D.. That’s so fun! Watching a 16 year old Neil Patrick Harris dance around to Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing” is freaking hysterical.
Playing hookey never gets old.
I decided yesterday morning that I was in no shape to go to work. In my defense, I truly did feel like death warmed over. This is mostly though, I’m assuming, because I ingested little but beer throughout the whole of Sunday. (Totally worth it though.) Also, the very thought of dragging my ass into my windowless cube full of humorless coworkers absolutely filled me with dread.
So I called in sick.
After a few more hours of sleep, I was woken up in the best way possible (use your imagination) and felt a little better. I spent a couple hours out on a boat, took in some sun and saw some alligators, and then went to see “The Dark Knight.” I haven’t been to a matinee movie in I don’t know how many years. It was brilliant. Both the movie and the fact that I was skipping work to be there. I’ve never felt so free.
If only I had more PTO, I’d totally do that once a month. I’d come down with some tragic recurring illness that caused me to require fresh air on a Monday every six weeks or so. Even though I did the same things I do all weekend they felt so much better knowing it was Monday.
Then I went to bed early(ish) and feel completely refreshed. Give me another couple hours in this office and I’ll surely want to kill myself again, but right now, I feel grand.
